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i wish i could find out whats troubling me these days...sigh...
maybe you could tell me? + amry @ 12:06 AM | 0 comments
 it really made me think hard whether should i post this post or not... i couldn't stop thinking the consequences that may follow, or the reaction that the public has to offer, since this is considered as a 'personal' issue... worst of all, i don't know what would you be thinking about this, dear.nevertheless, i feel it is necessary to write down how i feel currently, and how i've felt for the past few days, weeks, and months... it's been more than a year since i've truly felt for someone... since the day i discovered he has been cheating on me, i was so distraught till the scar that was left upon me was so deep... so deep that it causes me fear, hesitancy, and doubt whenever it comes to relationships... yes, i was emotionally hurt and torn apart... and the only thing that i recall from those days is nothing but tearing... tearing silently inside my heart whenever my parents are there, sobbing and weeping behind locked doors, crying softly to sleep with my hands clutched tightly to my blanket... i was a bitter person back then... though i slowly picked up myself and moved on, the memories of the past still haunt me like a shadow... a dark shadow that i could never leave behind... i was back to the same old anne-marie... just that a tiny part of me was missing, that's all... i thought that tiny part wasn't important... till i realized that missing part of me caused me unable to love anymore... it frustrates me whenever i tried forcing myself to like someone, yet failed in the end... it seemed that i turned into a cold, stone-hearted person, and i truly dispise that... those days i used to wonder, is there something wrong with me? why i can't i fall in love with someone anymore? i had the same old question in my head for the entire year... but that was before i met you =) we've known each other just by our very own exsistence for 5 years and nothing more, nothing less. for the past couple of years, all we know about each other is practically just our names. yet, as if fate had it all well-arranged, we're finally given a chance to know each other better, to work together, to fight, to argue, to laugh... basically, just being together c") i've to admit that it wasn't hard for me to like you... in fact, the feeling came in naturally to me... without me realizing it, i was falling for you already... day after day, the feeling gets deeper... there were many times that i told myself to get over you, that this is just another silly crush.... yet, that special feeling i had for you still lingers, and refused to leave, nor change... so...what can i do? i chose to kept it all inside.... i was very careful whenever i spoke to you, or be with you... fearing that i might leaked out some emotions or signs that may reveal my little secret... fearing that if you found out about how i feel, then the friendship we once shared will never be the same as it was before... fearing, that when you tell me that you only treat me as a friend, and purely as friend, my heart will start to tear and bleed again... that's why when you guessed that i like you, i was stunned... me muttering 'eewww' when u made that statement was just part of my defensive mode... i was worried then.... did someone told him? or did he realize it himself? did i do or say something that indirectly revealed who i was head over heels with? just when all these questions were flying across my mind, you told me you like me... the surprise got worse, i was speechless, my mind totally went blank... it took me about a minute to fully digest what you've just said, and another 5 minutes to believe that it's true... i know i don't look that good that time, with my face being all white and pale... but i just want you to know, that was the sweetest thing i've heard for the past 16 months =) and now that we're finally together, it is like a beginning of a new chapter in our lives.... though i know that the path that we are yet to take with me will be narrow and winding, with all its ups and downs, i know you will always be there to lift me up whenever i stumble and fall... and i also want you to know that i'll be always holding your hand, being beside you throughout this entire journey... though both of us are uncertain where this road will lead us, but i'm certain that i'm truly happy that i have you in this journey... and regardless of where will i be in the end, i'll still be grateful that i've found you... i know i've never really said it... but i want you to know that, i'll always love you + amry @ 4:52 PM | 3 comments |
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