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have you ever been in a love-hate relationship with someone? I had. and still am. This very special person has the ability to drive me up the wall, causing me to hold dearly to my very last thread of sanity before I totally lose my mind. And yet, I simply can not bear the picture of how life would be like without her, or how I had to face the many obstacles of life in future without her guidance, or simply how to keep my life organized without her constant nagging. Yes, that very special person is none other than my mother. Being the youngest and only daughter, many assumed that I would be mummy's girl, the little brat of the family. Yeah, I don't deny that I got away most of time when I was small.. but when I started to grow up, I was constantly exposed to various obligations and take up numerous responsibilities as a sister, as a daughter. Very often, such situations will occur: Me: why do I have to do this while my brothers don't have to? Mum : because you're a girl. You have bigger responsibilities. Double standards? Sexist? You might think so. I guess my parents are trying their very best to mould me to become a reasonably good housekeeper.. just in case in future, if my in-laws wishes to send me back home, they wouldn't use that as an excuse. Haha just kidding. But anyhow, the main idea is to instill some sense of responsibility inside me. Since I'm the youngest and practically the only women besides my mum, naturally I was closer to her than to my father, comparatively. And of course, being the only daughter she had, the child she prayed hard that it would be a baby girl, she held me close to her heart too. I used to remember how my friends used to comment how cool and forgiving she is, especially during that incident where I was suspended from school. Many also commented how supportive she was during the preparations for IU night: ferrying my friends and I to dance classes every week, countless visits to Holiday Villa Subang, guiding me as I typed the horrifying proposal letters to the Rotarians and other numerous letters. And I'm more than grateful for everything that she had done for me. But I suppose when you love someone too much, sometimes you tend to be overprotective when it comes to their safety and welfare. you saw me when I was in tears and pain, and thus you try your very best to prevent me from getting hurt and keep me away from any possible sorrows that I might have to endure. But the initial good intentions could start to cloud your eyes, your thoughts and your rationality when that overprotectiveness starts to take control ... I tried my very best to tolerate your ever-demanding needs, though unreasonable at times. But somehow or another, one day I just couldn't take it anymore ... I remember it was one fine day when I decided to tell you who I'm seeing lately. I knew you hate people lying to you, and I never wanted to hide things from you. All along you were fine with the guys I've dated, so I thought it would be okay to spill the beans. But I was wrong, so wrong. Things got ugly since then, and never got better. Sad to say my mum is a racist. She brought in the issues and complications of interracial relationships.. I understand her concerns, and being a debater I tried reasoning with her. I believe that I'm a fighter, I fight for what I think is right, and I fight for the people I love and cherish. I am not the type of person that runs and hide when parents became the main obstacle of a relationship, or gives up just simply because I'm threatened or interrogated. undeniably there are times where i'm too tired of being strong, where i felt emotionally and mentally drained, where i start to doubt should i continue to stand firm on my believes. but nevertheless, i'm glad i stood to my ground, and i stood tall.. I don't remember there's any way or method that I didn't use to convince you. But I clearly remember all the emotional torments that I had to go through. Your words stabbed right through my heart. and oh, how I've shed and teared, knowing that the person I love the most prays that the relationship would fail, knowing that I failed to get the blessing and support from you, knowing that there's no other person but you that was causing all my pain and miseries. Back then I knew, I hate you. Ironically, one day while I was at KLIH in midst of the debate competition, I received your phone call. You told me you're going for an operation the next day. I was dumbstrucked. My tears flowed down my cheeks after we hung up, and various thoughts of losing you start to flood my mind. Even the slightest possibility of losing you shatters my soul, as my biggest fear of losing someone seems to be getting near. I noticed we've drifted apart ever since that night. I never shared my thoughts and secrets with you anymore. And yes, I'm still in a love-hate relationship with you. But nevertheless, I pray that some day you would be able to open your eyes and see what I've been fighting for, and the bond that we once share would be complete again. And oh, I'd prayed for so many months, and I'll never stop praying till that day arrives. Although it seems unlikely that you'll read this, but I just want to say, Happy birthday, mum. p/s: to my significant other, if you happen to read this, i just want to say how glad i am to have you. not many people would have stayed for me, considering what happened in the past. normally, guys would have left and find another. and for that, i love you more and more each day. + amry @ 8:35 PM | 1 comments |
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