living the foxy way ^^

April 04, 2006

it really made me think hard whether should i post this post or not... i couldn't stop thinking the consequences that may follow, or the reaction that the public has to offer, since this is considered as a 'personal' issue... worst of all, i don't know what would you be thinking about this, dear.

nevertheless, i feel it is necessary to write down how i feel currently, and how i've felt for the past few days, weeks, and months...

it's been more than a year since i've truly felt for someone... since the day i discovered he has been cheating on me, i was so distraught till the scar that was left upon me was so deep... so deep that it causes me fear, hesitancy, and doubt whenever it comes to relationships... yes, i was emotionally hurt and torn apart... and the only thing that i recall from those days is nothing but tearing... tearing silently inside my heart whenever my parents are there, sobbing and weeping behind locked doors, crying softly to sleep with my hands clutched tightly to my blanket...

i was a bitter person back then... though i slowly picked up myself and moved on, the memories of the past still haunt me like a shadow... a dark shadow that i could never leave behind... i was back to the same old anne-marie... just that a tiny part of me was missing, that's all... i thought that tiny part wasn't important... till i realized that missing part of me caused me unable to love anymore... it frustrates me whenever i tried forcing myself to like someone, yet failed in the end... it seemed that i turned into a cold, stone-hearted person, and i truly dispise that... those days i used to wonder, is there something wrong with me? why i can't i fall in love with someone anymore?

i had the same old question in my head for the entire year... but that was before i met you =) we've known each other just by our very own exsistence for 5 years and nothing more, nothing less. for the past couple of years, all we know about each other is practically just our names. yet, as if fate had it all well-arranged, we're finally given a chance to know each other better, to work together, to fight, to argue, to laugh... basically, just being together c")

i've to admit that it wasn't hard for me to like you... in fact, the feeling came in naturally to me... without me realizing it, i was falling for you already... day after day, the feeling gets deeper... there were many times that i told myself to get over you, that this is just another silly crush.... yet, that special feeling i had for you still lingers, and refused to leave, nor change...

so...what can i do? i chose to kept it all inside.... i was very careful whenever i spoke to you, or be with you... fearing that i might leaked out some emotions or signs that may reveal my little secret... fearing that if you found out about how i feel, then the friendship we once shared will never be the same as it was before... fearing, that when you tell me that you only treat me as a friend, and purely as friend, my heart will start to tear and bleed again...

that's why when you guessed that i like you, i was stunned... me muttering 'eewww' when u made that statement was just part of my defensive mode... i was worried then.... did someone told him? or did he realize it himself? did i do or say something that indirectly revealed who i was head over heels with? just when all these questions were flying across my mind, you told me you like me... the surprise got worse, i was speechless, my mind totally went blank... it took me about a minute to fully digest what you've just said, and another 5 minutes to believe that it's true... i know i don't look that good that time, with my face being all white and pale... but i just want you to know, that was the sweetest thing i've heard for the past 16 months =)

and now that we're finally together, it is like a beginning of a new chapter in our lives.... though i know that the path that we are yet to take with me will be narrow and winding, with all its ups and downs, i know you will always be there to lift me up whenever i stumble and fall... and i also want you to know that i'll be always holding your hand, being beside you throughout this entire journey... though both of us are uncertain where this road will lead us, but i'm certain that i'm truly happy that i have you in this journey... and regardless of where will i be in the end, i'll still be grateful that i've found you...

i know i've never really said it... but i want you to know that,

i'll always love you

+ amry @ 4:52 PM

3 Comments:

hey sayang here i go......

By Anonymous, at 11:00 AM
Hey sayang,.......so sorry for the late reply .....but I ran into some problems earlier so hear I go.....I started getting in to the couple stuff at a very young age and believe me when I say I have experience a lot of thing compared to a lot people and baby I’m only saying I have gone threw a lot of ups and downs in life to be where I’m at now.......I will start when I was in form 1.......then I was know to be a player because to me it just was for the fun of it and nothing more then that.......this thing went on and on and on like that till I meet this girl called “a” ............”a” was a very special girls and for the first time ever I found out the real meaning of love ……..the relationship with her was great until one day when I felt as if my heart stop beating .........it was because I found out that she was actually playing me and she went and couple with one of my friend........and for the first time ever I felt the pain until even tear rolled down my chicks and from that day onwards I made a promise with god that I never will be a player again ........life after that was ok because I had a lot of my other friends around me so I didn’t really care about love........but that all change when I met this girl called “m” .........”m” was a very fun girls to be with and I ended up loving her like there were no tomorrow .......this relationship was on and off for one year...........i waited and tried my best to save this relationship but it was all in vain.........one evening she came and told me that “she does not have any feeling for me anymore” and for the second time my heart was in pieces but not long after that I felt as if something was gluing back the pieces ......at first I didn’t know what was that after I took some time to think about it ,I realize that the love I had for “m” was vanishing few weeks back and I also felt a bond with some else .........during this period I was thinking and thinking about it until one day it hit on the head......saying that I was actually in love with anne........at first I didn’t know what to do .........but after some time got the courage to say it to her ......and it all work out so well.......that’s a bit of my history and now baby boo I just wanted to let you see the way I see you ........I see a very beautiful lily(my sayang) surrounded by mud and dirty water(your past).........why a lily? Because you started at the bottom of the lake with all the dirt and mud ,your head was held up and you got threw it without even caring the dirt with you and now people can she the beauty that was hidden all this while........and now even when people try to say thing to bring you down you always stand up for your self but baby if just in case you need a shoulder to cry on ,mine is always there for you rain or shine ,morning or night it will be there waiting .........to me its not because your are pretty or smart or the fact that you can dance that attracted me to you that is all icing on the cake .........to me your are a whole new person that no one else knows about..........ok lah maybe your best friends but I’m just trying to say you are not only my girlfriend ,you are not only my partner...........but you are a part of me , an organ in my body ,a friend to my soul , and most of all you’re my love in my heart .............one more thing I don’t care about whatever people say about me as long as they don’t say anything about you I’m ok with it because I don’t want to lose you sayang because of this things..............and I will jump in front of a bullet for you because I also trust you with my life...............I know if anyone that is reading this will be going his a dam good player.........YOU ARE WRONG !!!!!!!! because I will never hurt anne in any way possible..............sayang don’t worry ok this a bit on how I fell about you and the rest I will show you...............finally before I go I would just like to say I love you anne and miss baby boo...........bye bye ........your love kishok

By Anonymous, at 1:56 PM
err i came by ur blog n cudnt help but notice this post..wish u loads of luck in ur relationship with kishok...err sam i think u r right..he is not a player...adious

By Anonymous, at 12:46 PM